The Bowring Chronicles Episode Four: The Day the Trees Lawyered Up
Welcome back to The Bowring Chronicles, where the trees are innocent, the squirrels are judgemental, and every Wednesday proves that the best stories begin with...
"...Watch this."
Good evening, Bowring.
Another Wednesday.
Another glorious sunset.
Another collection of grown adults voluntarily throwing bits of plastic at metal baskets...
...and somehow calling it relaxation.
Honestly?
We wouldn't have it any other way.
BREAKING NEWS
In a statement released earlier today, the Bowring Association of Mature Trees (B.A.M.T.) has denied all allegations of deliberately attracting flying discs.
Speaking through their solicitor, Oak, Oak & Elm LLP, the spokesperson said:
"We categorically reject the suggestion that we move into the flight path. We have remained in exactly the same place for decades."
The statement continued:
"Players are reminded that aiming is their responsibility."
David has declined to comment.
Mostly because he's too busy setting up the course.
The investigation continues.
TREE OF THE WEEK
This week's award goes to...
The One You Didn't Even See.
You know exactly which one.
Not the big obvious tree.
Not the one everyone warns you about.
The sneaky little branch hiding halfway down the fairway that reached out like it had a personal grudge.
Outstanding commitment to the cause.
Billie-Jo has volunteered to investigate whether the tree actually moved.
She has not yet returned.
WILDLIFE WATCH
Barry was unusually active this week.
He was first spotted inspecting a bag of discs with what can only be described as professional curiosity.
Later, witnesses reported Barry giving a slow, disappointed shake of the head after somebody announced...
"I'm definitely getting a birdie on this hole."
The following throw hit two branches.
Barry declined all interview requests.
Harley believes Barry's reaction was entirely predictable.
Jo T claims she knows someone who knows Barry.
We're not sure how to respond to that.
LOST DISC SUPPORT GROUP
This week's meeting started with a minute's silence.
Not because anyone had permanently lost a disc...
...we were just waiting for Kev to finish looking.
He found it.
It was under his own bag.
Laura has confirmed that she had already checked there.
Kev has declined to discuss the matter.
He has, however, apparently captured the whole thing on camera.
Naturally.
KEV & LAURA'S MERSEY MASTERS EMPIRE
Talking of Kev...
The Mersey Masters machine continues to grow.
Kev's social media is going from strength to strength, while he and Laura continue their frankly suspiciously successful campaign to fill player packs with free stuff.
Nobody knows how they do it.
There is a theory that Laura's friendliness is the secret weapon.
There is another theory that Kev simply asks everyone.
Both are probably true.
At this stage we're expecting them to turn up one Wednesday with a sponsored van.
If anyone knows a company that makes free discs...
Kev and Laura would like a word.
THE BOWRING WELCOME COMMITTEE
Meanwhile, Laura is doing what she does.
Welcoming.
Chatting.
Checking people are alright.
Making sure newcomers know what's going on.
And somehow keeping track of everything while the rest of us are trying to remember which disc we just threw.
She's meticulous.
She's warm.
She's probably already remembered your name.
Even if you've forgotten hers.
OVERHEARD AT BOWRING
"That's parked!"
(It wasn't.)
"Go on... GO ON... GO ON..."
"..."
"Oh."
"It's definitely over there."
(It definitely wasn't.)
"I don't normally throw it like that."
Your playing partners can neither confirm nor deny this statement.
And making its fourth consecutive appearance...
"I meant to do that."
A modern classic.
SCIENTIFIC RESEARCH
Researchers at the University of Bowring have made another astonishing discovery.
The likelihood of a player giving unsolicited advice increases by 642% immediately after they accidentally throw the best shot of their life.
Interestingly...
The advice becomes significantly less detailed after their next throw hits a tree.
Ruaraidh has requested that everyone remain calm and remember:
"It's only one shot."
Billy:
"Cheers, Dad."
Harley:
"He's right, Grandad."
Ruaraidh:
"I know."
Science is beautiful.
THE FIRST AVAILABLE TREE APPRECIATION SOCIETY
This week's membership update is disappointing.
Nobody resigned.
Instead, several members strengthened their commitment.
One enthusiastic applicant managed to hit the same tree twice during one hole.
That's dedication.
David has achieved this feat before.
But then again...
David has a monster arm.
The rest of us have excuses.
THE RED VALKYRIE FILES
There are drives.
There are good drives.
And then there is David's Red Valkyrie.
When David reaches for it, experienced Bowring players know the drill.
Stand back.
Watch.
And prepare to walk.
The disc leaves his hand with the sort of confidence normally associated with international space programmes.
It disappears into the distance.
Someone says:
"Where's that going?"
Someone else replies:
"Liverpool."
Nobody laughs.
Because it genuinely might be.
BILLIE-JO'S FIELD NOTES
While everyone else is discussing the Red Valkyrie...
Billie-Jo is doing something entirely different.
She's exploring.
She's adventurous.
She's somehow found a route through the rough that nobody else knew existed.
She emerges with a disc.
A stick.
Three leaves.
And an expression that suggests she knows something we don't.
Nobody questions it.
Billie-Jo has seen things.
BOWRING SEARCH & RESCUE
Operation: "It's Definitely In Here Somewhere."
Duration:
Nine minutes.
Recovered:
✔️ One disc.
✔️ One water bottle.
✔️ A football.
✔️ Somebody's confidence.
✔️ One interesting stick, courtesy of Billie-Jo.
Still missing:
One bright green driver.
Which raises an important question...
How do you lose a bright green disc in green grass every single week?
It's one of Bowring's great mysteries.
Jo T thinks she knows who owns it.
Of course she does.
EXCUSE OF THE WEEK
Congratulations to this week's winner.
"The basket looked further away when I threw it."
An excellent effort.
Completely impossible to prove.
We'll allow it.
DAD'S CORNER
Ruaraidh watched the chaos unfold with the calm expression of a man who has seen it all before.
Ultimate Frisbee Grand Master.
Disc golf enthusiast.
Dad to Billy.
Grandad to Harley.
Provider of unsolicited wisdom.
This week's offering:
"Don't chase the perfect throw. Make the good one count."
Everyone nodded.
Billy nodded.
Harley nodded.
Laura nodded.
David nodded.
Then someone immediately tried to throw a perfect shot.
It hit a tree.
Ruaraidh said nothing.
He didn't need to.
THE BOWRING INTELLIGENCE AGENCY
Jo T was seen chatting to someone she'd apparently never met before.
Within minutes she had established:
where they lived,
where they'd been before,
who they might know,
and that she'd "definitely seen them somewhere."
Nobody understands how she does it.
Jo K has considered introducing a database.
Jo T says it's unnecessary.
"I know everyone anyway."
Point taken.
WHY WEDNESDAYS MATTER
There's something lovely about watching the same little routine unfold every week.
Cars pull into the car park.
Boots open.
Bags come out.
Someone's forgotten their putter.
Someone else has remembered snacks.
Billy is getting a round in.
Again.
People who've had stressful days arrive looking tired...
...and leave two hours later laughing about the ridiculous tree kick that somehow became the shot of the evening.
Laura welcomes someone new.
Kev captures something nobody else noticed.
David quietly makes sure everything is ready.
Ruaraidh offers advice.
Harley learns something.
Billie-Jo explores somewhere she probably shouldn't.
Jo T discovers another connection.
Jo K keeps the whole thing ticking along.
And Billy...
goes the bar.
That's the bit people don't see.
Disc golf isn't just what happens between the tee and the basket.
It's the chats.
The encouragement.
The taking the mickey.
The helping each other find discs.
The "See you next week" that everyone genuinely means.
Some clubs build members.
We're building mates.
BOWRING WISDOM #4
"The first available tree is available for a reason."
Ignore this wisdom at your own peril.
Many have tried.
None have succeeded.
David has tried.
David has succeeded.
But David has a monster arm and a Red Valkyrie.
The rest of us should probably listen to Ruaraidh.
LOOKING AHEAD...
Rumours are already circulating that next Wednesday may feature:
🥏 At least one impossible putt.
🌳 Three miraculous tree kicks.
💸 Someone buying "their last disc"...
again.
🐿️ Barry passing silent judgement.
📹 Kev filming something nobody else noticed.
🧛♀️ Billie-Jo venturing into the unknown.
🕵️ Jo T recognising somebody.
🧠 Harley teaching us something we didn't know.
📖 Ruaraidh offering wisdom.
🧡 Laura welcoming another new face.
📋 Jo K keeping us all vaguely organised.
💥 David launching the Red Valkyrie into another postcode.
🍺 And Billy...
going the bar.
And one player confidently declaring...
"I've got this."
May we respectfully suggest...
Don't.
Because Bowring is listening.
Until next Wednesday...
Throw with confidence.
Laugh at yourself before anyone else does.
Help the newcomer.
Celebrate everyone.
And if you happen to hit the Tree of the Week...
Don't worry.
It'll probably be accepting the award again next time.
— Filed by the Completely Unqualified Correspondents of The Bowring Chronicles
Who can confirm that no trees were harmed during the writing of this report... although several players' egos suffered minor damage.
